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Chapter 10.
"You send him pictures of you with other men?" I was driving the car slowly now and trying to keep my voice steady.
"Exactly. If the thought of me innocently talking to the milkman causes him such pain, imagine what seeing the real thing on video will do to him!"
"Where did you get the idea?"
"There was a scientist working with the behavior of rats. They could learn to press a button to get food but they could also learn not to press the button that gave them food if it also gave them an electric shock. The rats wanted the food but not the electric shock. It's the same with him. He's a rat. He wants the pleasure of seeing and trying to exert control over me but now he knows that any contact whatsoever will bring with it the pain of seeing me in graphic and explicit detail with another man."
"Will it work?"
"It's got to - there is no alternative."
"How can you be sure he'll look at the video?"
"He won't be able to stop himself. I know him. He looked at the pictures I sent him last time and went spare but he didn't believe me when I said it would get worse unless he went away from me permanently. That's what will stop him - the escalation. First the still pictures - then the movie."
"Or it will send him mad and he'll flip. It could be very dangerous for you."
"I have to take that chance."
"And how will it affect you afterwards?"
Her face looked sad.
I wanted to hold her and kiss her and tell her I would make it all right but instead I just drove on.
"Whatever it does to me, it's got to be better than a life looking over my shoulder. The plan just has to work - and when it works, it will be worth it."
We relapsed into silence again and then, shortly after, we were back at her apartment.
I locked the car and gave her the keys on her doorstep.
"I have something to say to you but I can't say it here," she said, quietly. "Will you come inside but just for a few minutes? Then you must promise to go."
I nodded.
The hall was dark inside and she didn't put the light on. I could just see her face but not its features. She wrapped her arms round my arms imprisoning them to my waist and pulled me to her. When she spoke, her voice was very low.
"Barry, you are important to me. You are a really nice guy and I'm strongly attracted to you but you can do nothing directly to help me sort these problems out any more than the police can. You must be strong and not torture yourself. More than anything else, you must help me be strong."
I tried to move my arms out of her grip so I could hold her but she wouldn't let me.
"Don't do that," she said. "Stay as you are, it's better for both of us."
"Not being able to touch you doesn't stop me having feelings for you."
My voice was gruff and echoed up into the darkness of the stair well.
"But it helps me to be strong. If I fall in love with you, I won't be able to do what I have to do."
"I thought you had already done it this evening?"
"I fully expected to. But I was too nervous. He said it was better if the session was used to get me comfortable in front of the camera. There was a changing room at the back of the house. I had to start by wearing this flimsy robe. Then there was some makeup and after that we went upstairs. All I did was roll around the bed with the camera recording me in different poses. It was awful at first even with the robe on. After a while I got more used to it and was less embarrassed, even with the robe off. All the time, I was expecting him to change his mind and join me on the bed. It's what the ad required. But he didn't."
Tears sprang into my eyes and an absurd wave of relief overwhelmed me.
She released my arms and pulled my face down to hers. We kissed deeply. It was as if all the tensions of the day peaked and exploded in one huge mindless release of emotion. I could feel the salt of her tears on her lips and at long last was able to bury my kisses into the scent of her hair and feel the taste of her lips on mine.
She gently pushed me away.
"You must go now."
"When will I see you again?"
"Soon when I have to go back. I will need you to baby-sit me again"
"What do you mean? Go back? You have the video and you can send it to your ex. What more do you want?"
"It's not strong enough yet. He's seen me with no clothes on many times. For the plan to work I have to go further. I have to do the full video, everything. And I can't do that if I've fallen in love with you. So now you must go!"
As I looked back at her standing in her doorway, I wondered if either of us had then choice any more about whether we would fall in love.
I also dreaded the thought of another evening waiting in the silent car outside that house knowing that this time there could be no reprieve.
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