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Chapter 52
My pulse quickened and my heart turned to jelly as I neared Jennifer's apartment. At least she didn't have a door messaging system. If she was there, I would see her.
She'd said she would contact me but sometimes a guy has the take the lead in this screwed up world. I wanted her to know I was going away and for her not to expect me to be there when she came round ... if she came around.
I also wanted to know why she hadn't been round to see me. In one quick waltz, she had gone from whispering sweet promises of affection to cold remoteness and I couldn't find the join.
With my heart pounding, I pressed the bell button next to her door. Several long moments passed that seemed like a million years - and then she was there standing there in front of me wearing a smart blue jacket and skirt that matched her eyes.
But with a sinking heart, I saw she was not smiling.
"Hi Jennifer."
"Hi Barry."
I leaned over to kiss her. It seemed natural as the last time we'd been together we'd spent hours making love. But she turned her head to avoid my kiss and wriggled away when I reached out to hug her.
"What's the matter?"
"I thought I said I would contact you when I could." The expression on her face said I had done something awful just by coming round.
"I'm going off on holiday and thought you might like to know."
"It doesn't affect me. Everything has got even more difficult. You shouldn't have come round."
"I just want to know what's going on. It's all completely confusing. One minute we have relationship and the next you're treating me as if I had some communicable disease."
I must have sounded irritated because she colored up and flashed back angrily.
"I don't have to justify my actions to you. My life is my business."
I must have looked devastated because her tone softened.
"You're a nice boy Barry and I feel a lot of affection for you. Tommy likes you too. But my life is more complicated then you can imagine and the best thing you can do is get out of it. Go on holiday and find yourself somebody who is more straightforward. There are lots of good-looking girls around and you deserve the best. But the best for you isn't me and now I would now like you to go."
Jennifer started closing her door just as Gerda had. This door was black too but less smart and in need of redecoration. It clicked shut and I stood looking at it peeling in the thin sun.
Was she standing behind it wondering whether I was going to knock again? Perhaps she was even wondering whether she would open the door if I knocked. On the other hand, perhaps she'd already gone down the corridor and the steps to her apartment intent on beginning her new Barry free life.
The street where Jennifer lived was quiet compared to Gerda's but there was still the rumble of traffic in the near distance. The sun filtered down through the muggy sultry air and all around people were getting on with their lives. They had regular jobs, formed straight forward relationships with predictable partners and built secure lives.
It slowly occurred to me that I couldn't stand on Jennifer's doorstep for ever but my legs felt like lead as I turned to go.
Each step that I took away from her seemed to hurt. Yet what she had said was correct. There were many girls in the world and at least a fair proportion of them might give me a second look in a crowded room.
Also, it was true that she had never really encouraged me since the first day I met her at Smokey's. Perhaps, ojectively, our relationship had been more in my mind than in reality. She'd claimed she had a stalker. But how near was I to being the stalker? She couldn't have said more clearly that she wanted me to go. If I continued to hope she might change her mind, how much was I deceiving myself? Perhaps already, I'd done too much of that.
Going on holiday would give me time to think; perhaps even to plan my life anew. If Bruno had teamed with Ron then, from what Gerda had said, my job was finished. Perhaps I should just stay in France.
I turned down a connecting ally that ran between two large apartment blocks. It was narrow and dingy. There were bins of rubbish at intervals and some metal fire escapes but it cut off a long corner and I suddenly wanted to be elsewhere.
As I walked quickly to get to the other end, I thought of the two loves in my life, which were my job and Jennifer. If I really had lost both, what would I have left? The age-old saying came into my mind.
'The most important thing in your life is your health.'
I heard a sound and looked up. There were two large men wearing scruffy blue jeans and baseball caps entering the alley in front of me.
A noise made me turn and I discovered there was another one close behind.
From the look on their faces and the baseball bats they held as they advanced towards me, commando style, even my health now didn't have much of a future.
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